facing hard self-truths

i have come to the realization that i still havent received my entire heart back from the grasp of first love. i mean that love that was so new and raw that unraveled completely way too fast... but i am finding that i know myself so much better for figuring this fact out. and no, its not the fact that i am still in love with this person, its the idea of what could have been. i loved the way he made me feel and the way he kissed me and made me feel like i was the prettiest girl in the world. the realization that he was not the person i thought he was broke my heart into tiny pieces. i have found and glued it back together and with time it has grown back together, but i really think that he gathered some of those tiny shards and tucked them away somewhere far away. i am working on filling those cracks with God's love and it is working. i know i dont need some man to make me feel whole. i am complete with God's love and guidance, and i know that having a man in my life would only add to my wholeness, not make me whole. i need to be my own person and secure with who i am before i take on the responsibility of someone else's feelings. this discovery on its own is major for me! i know people can tell me things all they want, but unless i know it to be true i will never take it seriously. having these last 6 months of single life has shown me all the accomplishments i can make on my own and given me some much needed self confidence boosters. i have figured out just what i want and need in a partner and what i will not put up with. i am no longer taking this as a joke or as hey just to pass the time... no, no sir. life is not really to be taken "dead serious" i believe life is for fun and taking chances, but not to be irresponsible. i have made a lot of bad choices in the past 5 years and i refuse to repeat them. i finally feel like i can breathe and rest easier now. i have the hang of college and am succeeding beautifully, i am working on my anger issues and am finding my stride at being a better mom to my daughter, and i am working hard on getting away from the drama and immaturity of this town. i know i have to leave this town to be completely happy. i feel too sheltered here, like i will not be able to soar amongst the stars because here, my wings are clipped and i am in a cage for everyone to poke and leer at. i feel my time in this town has come to an end and i need to really do it on my own. i need to get off assistance, get out of public housing and be my own security blanket. i am thankful for the programs that are in place for people like me that really need them for the time being, but i am no longer wanting to be that person. a lot of changes need to and will be changed in this next month. my financial slate should be cleared and wiped clean, i want to be out of k-hole, and i want to have a great steady job i love by the end of april. i realize this is drastic and short timed, but what other way than to just haul ass and get it done? ive known no other way than to set my mind to it and get it done. i am tired of sitting back and letting life happen. this is no longer the time for that! i am the only one that can really tell myself, "get off your ass, get it done, and move the hell onto bigger and better things!!" there is nothing really tying me to this place anymore. no job to report to, no guy wanting me here, my family is here, but they will always be here. i need to soar...and this is not the view i want from way up there.
so, i am setting goals:
no more crap food. im cleaning out my cabinets tomorrow 3/26.
working out everyday, no matter what the weather is! the gym is just down town.
when the weathers better, walking to the park and back with kimmy.
getting my weight to my goal weight and size (12) by kimberly's 3rd birthday 12/5/11.
no more yelling!
getting out of this place (k-hole) by end of April (pending the financial slate cleansing time line).

these do not seem unattainable in the least bit. but the only person that will or can hold me accountable is me. i need to be my own advocate. and for the first time in my life i KNOW i deserve to have everything i want. and the biggest thing i want for myself is to be healthy and around for my daughter. i will not be able to do that if i die early because im overweight. this stops tonight. i will do this and i will not fail. i will not allow set backs or road blocks... so heaven help the person or thing that stands in the way of my goals. you will not win... ill ruin the end of my story for you, i will have victory over the bad in my life. you will see me soar... and succeed with flying colors. just you wait.

what is your problem with me being happy?

i just dont understand why people try to hold me back... i mean who the hell are you to try to stand in my way of happiness?!? i am making HUGE changes in my life because i know they are the changes that need to be made. i am letting go of the fake easy friendships and moving on with the people that deserve to be in my life... why is that so hard to understand? i was not rude about it... i was not mean... i just simply stated that i no longer want communication with you and people like you and would appreciate if you would respect that statement. its not my loss that you are no longer wanted here, it is just how life is going to be. i do not need anymore negativity in my life. i want people that will be there for me when i need them, and people i want to be there for when they need me. my life is no longer a one sided give all i can and get nothing back kind of life. i want the same out of my friendships as i put into them. i will not be walked all over or treated like yesterdays news. me and my little girl will be just fine without those people in our lives. just because im not the skinny super model type...yet, doesnt mean im not worth the same as those bitches. i can love and care just as much, if not more, as they can. i deserve better. and i am not settling for what is easy or comfortable. im striving for the best and that will not be easy or comfortable all the time... but i know how to work my ass off and i intend to do so every step of the way! so if you arent here to help me succeed...plain and simple...GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY.

things im thankful for

i know im supposed to list the things i am thankful for for thanksgiving...but im going to do mine a little early because i can lol.
my beautiful daughter: she is my everything...even tho there are times i want to scream and yell and throw a fit because of her, i still wouldnt change being her momma.
my family: i have come to realize i have the best family i could ask for. sure its a little fucked up some times, its still my family and i love them all. my sister is especially awesome :).
my friends: sure we have had hard times, fights, brawls, and even times when we dont speak but i still love them. i am so happy to have them in my life.
being able to provide for my daughter: i love that i am the one kicking ass and taking names and putting food on the table. i dont need a man to make a living.
my college career: i am kickin college ass! i cannot wait to be done, but i am sure learning a lot and getting experience under my belt.
i am very lucky to live in america and be able to do pretty much whatever i want. i love my life and the only thing i would change about it right now... is the fact that its so damn cold lol

new kimmy pics

we went to the pumpkin patch out at the spring lake stables and this is one of the pumpkins she liked.

making the most of the hand i am dealt

first of all, i have to say my sister is amazing. i could not ask for a better person to be in my life as a sister. she was able to watch kimmy for me while i got the entire baby sitter search under way...and she helped kimmy break the habit of no more sucker...which i had been dreading. i have come to realize that kimmy whining (although it bugs me more than anything in the world) is not the end of the world...and she is going to do it no matter what i do...so i use headphones to drown her out while she cries herself to sleep. its a process were working on, but were getting there.
second of all, i hate being sick. i know no one loves or likes being sick. but unless you have tried being sick while having a healthy child, you have no idea how much i hate it! its worse when the kid is sick too, but its all a huge suckfest. am glad to be gettin better though, because i wont be coughing so hard i wanna puke or pee lol. i am also glad that this portion of dumb classes is almost over. i can no longer stand to talk about psychology or philosophy gibberish. bring on communications and algebra! am thankful that my tuition refund check will be here next week... i can then get some things caught up and maybe treat myself to a haircut and highlights as a late birthday present to myself since i did nothing but sit home on the actual one. learning who real, good friends are in my life is a new adventure as well. knowing who to keep close and who to keep at arms length for my own sanity and knowing who to throw across the lake is getting easier. i cannot believe this year is almost over and i am still struggling with things... (those will be revealed later...) i need to get my ass in gear and get back to the old Renee and back into my skinny jeans. but to be able to do that, im going to have to work hard...and getting to the point of working hard is almost unavoidable. but when i get there (im hoping by mid november) i will be unstoppable. and by the time i am done with overhauling my life, i will be a force to be reckoned with... and there will be no holding me back!

my new life goals:
get fit and be the size i want.
save money to pay off truck and buy new one.
start saving money to get braces.

this is all i have to say for now.

living and loving my life

as it stands right now, i have 3 full time jobs; single mom, college student, and denture center receptionist/lab tech. my life has become so busy in the last month that i have not had time to think let alone write a blog haha.
kimmy is growing up more and more every day and i can barely keep up. she has an amazing new babysitter that i am so blessed to have in our lives. today was her first day and i just had a sense of peace when i left kimmy at her house. this is a peace i have only experienced when leaving kimmy at my sisters place. i can just feel the love from her toward kimmy. its awesome how some unexpected things fall apart so better things can fall together.
i am still doing great in school, but have been struggling with the last two classes because of the content... psychology and philosophy... can you blame me?? to me they are both total BS! but i am still succeeding with flying colors, although with gritted teeth... lol.
i have changed a lot in my life in the past bit. finally got into my new place and have a wonderful job that challenges me. i have cut the bad people out of my life and decided what i need and that is not a dead-beat boyfriend. i want a man that treats me right and accepts me for who i am and what i want to be in the future. also a man that accepts my daughter and wants to be a positive influence in her life. i am no longer caught up in the frenzy of just being with whoever, but have decided to settle for nothing less than the best. i am hoping i have met him or will soon. but that is not the most important thing right now.
i have reconnected with old friends and am having a blast making new ones through school and new places i am going. i have started a life-change for myself and kimmy through eating better and starting a workout plan. ill be a hott(er) momma soon lol

Moving day!!

well we are finally moving into our new place today!! in about an hour i will be signing the lease and getting my keys...it will be a busy few days while we get everything moved over there and unpacked...i am soo excited to finally be getting into my own house and place again! pics will come soon!!