taking time to work on me

this last week i have had a lot of down time. i am working in a place with limited cell service (which i needed a break from desperately), slow internet (like mailing a letter would be faster), and only one community tv... i have revolved my life around these three things way too much in the past and i am learning to live without them as much. i still need internet for college, but i know i will not be turning my cable back on when i go home. i am going to spend more time just playing with kimberly. i have ignored her so much i am ashamed to admit. she should be the center of my day, not tv, phone, or internet. i am looking at downgrading my phone to a simple just call or texting phone. it has cut into my interactions too much and i am tired of it. i know in these coming couple months i will get a crash course in what is really important in my life. and it is not technology... it is my daughter. i am taking this time to spend quietly with God and letting him heal my hurts and fix my flaws. i want to come out of this entire thing with a new attitude and being a better mommy. i am rereading "loving our kids on purpose" and will do so until it all sinks in. i want kimberly to know this was not all time wasted. it is time i needed to get things in order for her. i refuse to continue failing her.

a blessing away from home

i am truly blessed to have the opportunity to wake up to this view every morning for the next 2 months. there are few things that can pull my life away from kimmy for this long, but this view is almost worth it. i hate to be away from my wee one for so long, but as a momma...i have to make money to support her. i am learning a lot of new things and meeting a lot of new people. most the girls i have met live in Taiwan. they are so nice and sweet. it is a bitter sweet distraction from the fact i miss kimmy so much. every time i see a picture of her i want to cry. i got to talk to her this morning and almost started bawling. its a good thing i was in public or i would have. i want to go home and snuggle her, but i know i need to stay here and make some money. i try to watch the chipmunks and imagine what kimmy would think...i hope i am able to bring her here before the season is over. im going to bed now...

responsibilities of a single mom

as a single mom and the only parent kimberly has ever known...the responsibilities of putting food in her belly and a safe stable roof over her head falls all on my not-so-broad shoulders. this is something i have struggled with since she came into this world almost 3 years ago. i have not been able to find a stable job or had really any extras to spend on her. yes, she has new clothes and she is very well taken care of, but do to cash assistance from the state and food stamps. i write this with more embarrassment then i guess i should. i have been looking for a permanent job since she was 4 months old, with no long term results. something here and there then something fails and im right back where i started. in poverty. so when the chance arose for me to make some real money for a short time i jumped at it like a dog to a bone. only draw back: its out of town and kimberly cannot go with me. this kills me. i am so nervous that something will happen to me or her and i would never forgive myself for it. i am completely relying on my family to take care of her for 2 months so i can better our lives for a short time...and hopefully for the summer seasons to come. i am glad she is so young, she wont resent me for sending her to my sisters. but at the same time, i dont want her to think i am sending her away as a punishment. i am not the best mother in the world and anger gets the best of me sometimes. i want her to know i am doing this for her and to hopefully get my foot in the door of something great...but it feels like i am abandoning her at the minute. i have 2 days left with my baby...then i wont see her for almost 3 weeks...then its only on weekends i can afford to drive home or to my sisters. i really dont know what i would do without such a wonderful sister and brother in law. i hope this adventure is fun for both of us and we are able to grow from it and i am able to provide more adequately for her...at least for a short time. i hope i am not making a huge mistake in leaving her for such a long time. i hope she knows this is all for her.

working out...is finally working for me

monday august 8th i started my new program to lose weight and to get in shape and to train my body to not retain water anymore... i am doing fantastic. i went and worked out for the first time since starting this program and it was not miserable. i know exactly what i am supposed to be doing and i do not feel out of place anymore. i love that the recovery zone is so much more personable and not like i am wasting their time. and this of course comes because it is a christian owned company. i am ready to get back on track. this train is coming and nothing will stop it anymore. no more excuses!

family pictures...finally!

so the last time i actually had pictures done with miss KJ was when she was 5 days old... that was 972 days ago...yes almost 3 whole years. i promised myself i would get pictures done every year to have memories of how fast kimmy was growing...but life happens. and money gets tight. i have almost 3000 pictures of kimmy on my phone and saved to my computer, but those are ones i have taken of just her. or of us in the bathroom mirror haha. so i finally had them done yesterday. a good friend of mine, erika, has posted pics of her girls a lot on her blog, and i told her she could practice on me and kimmy any time. well thank god she took me up on the offer and we came out with some amazing shots. i am very thankful she is so wonderful!

thanks to little miss momma i am sporting a headband as much as possible this week! i love it! i need to get more of these. i really love the look and i am getting tons of compliments on it!