Friday, March 25, 2011

facing hard self-truths

i have come to the realization that i still havent received my entire heart back from the grasp of first love. i mean that love that was so new and raw that unraveled completely way too fast... but i am finding that i know myself so much better for figuring this fact out. and no, its not the fact that i am still in love with this person, its the idea of what could have been. i loved the way he made me feel and the way he kissed me and made me feel like i was the prettiest girl in the world. the realization that he was not the person i thought he was broke my heart into tiny pieces. i have found and glued it back together and with time it has grown back together, but i really think that he gathered some of those tiny shards and tucked them away somewhere far away. i am working on filling those cracks with God's love and it is working. i know i dont need some man to make me feel whole. i am complete with God's love and guidance, and i know that having a man in my life would only add to my wholeness, not make me whole. i need to be my own person and secure with who i am before i take on the responsibility of someone else's feelings. this discovery on its own is major for me! i know people can tell me things all they want, but unless i know it to be true i will never take it seriously. having these last 6 months of single life has shown me all the accomplishments i can make on my own and given me some much needed self confidence boosters. i have figured out just what i want and need in a partner and what i will not put up with. i am no longer taking this as a joke or as hey just to pass the time... no, no sir. life is not really to be taken "dead serious" i believe life is for fun and taking chances, but not to be irresponsible. i have made a lot of bad choices in the past 5 years and i refuse to repeat them. i finally feel like i can breathe and rest easier now. i have the hang of college and am succeeding beautifully, i am working on my anger issues and am finding my stride at being a better mom to my daughter, and i am working hard on getting away from the drama and immaturity of this town. i know i have to leave this town to be completely happy. i feel too sheltered here, like i will not be able to soar amongst the stars because here, my wings are clipped and i am in a cage for everyone to poke and leer at. i feel my time in this town has come to an end and i need to really do it on my own. i need to get off assistance, get out of public housing and be my own security blanket. i am thankful for the programs that are in place for people like me that really need them for the time being, but i am no longer wanting to be that person. a lot of changes need to and will be changed in this next month. my financial slate should be cleared and wiped clean, i want to be out of k-hole, and i want to have a great steady job i love by the end of april. i realize this is drastic and short timed, but what other way than to just haul ass and get it done? ive known no other way than to set my mind to it and get it done. i am tired of sitting back and letting life happen. this is no longer the time for that! i am the only one that can really tell myself, "get off your ass, get it done, and move the hell onto bigger and better things!!" there is nothing really tying me to this place anymore. no job to report to, no guy wanting me here, my family is here, but they will always be here. i need to soar...and this is not the view i want from way up there.
so, i am setting goals:
no more crap food. im cleaning out my cabinets tomorrow 3/26.
working out everyday, no matter what the weather is! the gym is just down town.
when the weathers better, walking to the park and back with kimmy.
getting my weight to my goal weight and size (12) by kimberly's 3rd birthday 12/5/11.
no more yelling!
getting out of this place (k-hole) by end of April (pending the financial slate cleansing time line).

these do not seem unattainable in the least bit. but the only person that will or can hold me accountable is me. i need to be my own advocate. and for the first time in my life i KNOW i deserve to have everything i want. and the biggest thing i want for myself is to be healthy and around for my daughter. i will not be able to do that if i die early because im overweight. this stops tonight. i will do this and i will not fail. i will not allow set backs or road blocks... so heaven help the person or thing that stands in the way of my goals. you will not win... ill ruin the end of my story for you, i will have victory over the bad in my life. you will see me soar... and succeed with flying colors. just you wait.