Thursday, July 28, 2011

finding me in the pile of others

at the beginning of this year, i made a promise to myself, that i would find me in the pile of others that are not me. confusing promise? yeah, tell me about it. i wanted to find the person i wanted to be and change my habits so i could become a better mom, a more patient tempered mom, and overall a better version of the real me.
by taking a break from friends and boys and the rat race of drama that is the town i live in, i realized...some of these people are not who i thought they were and they are not who i want to be around anymore. maybe it is because i am a mom, i cant stand the partying, drinking crowd anymore. and don't get me wrong, i have no problem with drinking a few here and there or on special occasions and i am not preaching "don't drink ever." that is not what i am talking about. i am saying if your whole life revolves around wheres the next 18 pack of long necks are coming from, your life shouldn't be intertwined with mine anymore.
i get it, love is hard work...but it shouldn't be so hard that people are miserable. that isn't love that is just work. i have chosen to be on my own because i want to focus on getting my issues dealt with before i try to bring someone else into our lives. and this, is perfectly ok. i do not need someone else to be happy. i have myself to count on and i have the most important person in my life...kimmy. and that is all i need. i have come to find that people that need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend to feel happy and safe, are insecure and unhappy with themselves. i feel bad they cannot have the confidence to be their own person. just be you, that would be enough for me. :) but life doesn't always work like that i guess. people get older and so does their behaviors. i get tired of being friendly with these people and we grow farther apart. the distance between me and them is wedged with their insecurities, the things they think make them look cooler but don't, and other friends that do nothing but talk down about me.
i am getting to the point i do not want to be in this pile of people anymore. being one of the foundation bricks of the friendship is not working for me anymore when you've crumbled away. i am left standing in a pile of drunk "cool" kids... and finally i have the courage to walk out and never turn around again. people's feelings are going to be hurt, but they will get over it i am sure. they always do. not that i don't care, but i am tired of being the only responsible adult in these friendships. why can't they see with every action, they are cutting the ties that bind our friendship? how hard is it to just be a grown up and stop trying to be the cool girl in school. maybe our friendship was more important to me than it ever was to them...and that is sad to me... i no longer feel trapped in the pile. i'm stepping out. so this is my goodbye. i am sad to leave, but the good times we had will be with me forever. sorry they didn't mean the same to you.

1 comment:

  1. great post!!

    jenna duty