Kimberly loves Santa

Kimberly has always had a good time when visiting santa. this year seems to be no different.
2011

2010

2009 so she had just woke up from a nap and was still half asleep...i think this is still good for a one year old!

My bestie's 21st birthday!

Not everyday do we really get to celebrate the ones we love with such enthusiasm as a best friends 21st birthday. Last night, was my opportunity to celebrate the life that is my bestie Caitlyn. She is truly amazing and i could not ask for a better best friend. I do not know where i would be without this woman in my life. She is a great mommy to her little boy tegan, an amazing girlfriend to her boyfriend Cody, and a good auntie to my one little one kimmy. I am so glad i was able to share in this fun night with her and everyone we are friends with!

Kimberly's 3rd birthday!

kimberly's birthday party was amazing. my parents were both there and we had a lot of fun. i cannot wait for next years party!

Putting my family back together...one piece at a time

I never thought this day would come. after all the heartache and pain. my family will finally be all in one room for the first time in 12 years. hopefully the bad blood will wash away some...but who knows. i had to take that first step in faith and with a quivering voice, i made this happen. i didnt do it for me, i did it for kimberly. i want her to know that people love her no matter what. they can put aside their differences for her. shes important. i never want her to feel the things i have. i never want her to feel rejected by the people that are supposed to be there for your everything...her first day of kindergarten, first christmas program, first day of junior high...her prom, and her graduation from high school and college. i never want her to feel regret that maybe this is all her fault. i have felt that way half my life and i am finally taking a stand against it for her. i am going to put myself in awkward situations, put my feelings on the line, and get my heart broke just so she doesnt have to. this is my job as her momma. i suffer so she feels love. thats all a child should have to worry about...is feeling loved. my mom and dad havent been able to be in the same room since their divorce...and next sunday...they are coming to my house and putting aside the bull for kimberly. and then her christmas program is monday. i really hope this goes well. i want her to know she is loved more than anything...i really hope this doesnt blow up in my face...

I am ME because...

I’m weird because…

I can’t sleep with my hair down.
I have a no shoes policy in my home.
I wink at the clock any time it’s 11:11.
I love to smell Kimmy’s hair many times a day.
I prefer to NOT cuddle when I sleep.
I like sleeping in the middle of the bed.
I can’t sleep with a top sheet.
I’m scared crickets…like deathly.
I don’t eat pizza unless I have ranch dressing.
I drink from over 5 glasses a day.
I take a scalding hot shower when I can’t get warm.
I have a cheap sunglasses and purse addiction.
I start my shopping in the sales section of every store, and most times I never leave.
I would rather clean up cat poo than empty the dishwasher or blow-dry my hair.
I could eat grilled candy every meal for the rest of my life and be happy.
I would rather watch an entire season in 3 nights on DVD than watch a show weekly.
I do a happy dance when I get a package in the mail.

I’m a bad friend because…

I hate to check my voice mails.
I like being a hermit some days.
I have trouble committing to activities and play dates until the last minute.
I always say what I’m thinking.

I’m a good friend because…

I want to see those I love succeed.
I love and cherish friendship.
I love my friends kiddos like they are my own.
You can show up at my house at midnight to talk about your bad day.
I’m not afraid to get silly and slap happy.
I always say what I’m thinking.

I’m sad because…

I wish my sister lived closer.
I too often get consumed with Momma guilt.
I sometimes let little things get in the way of the big picture.
I need to be better at letting things roll off my back.
I wish I could control my anger better.

I’m happy because…

I am a good momma to miss kimmy.
Kimberly is completely potty trained and in big girl undies! :)
Its Christmas season and I am making thanksgiving dinner!
My entire family will be here for Kimberly’s party…my mom AND my dad…
I’m excited for…
The exciting things going on in our church.
Kimberly being in a “real” daycare and learning new things every day.
Snowman building.
Fireplace cuddling… if only I had a fireplace  lol
Turkey eating.
Movie watching.
Family time.

Another Blessing

Since my last post, i have been blessed so much more. i started a great new job at a daycare/learning center and i thank God for it every day! i love everyone i work with and i am learning more patience and how to better control my anger and the words that come out of my mouth. i am also blessed that my daughter will be starting to attend the learning center i work at in another class. i was lucky enough to qualify for daycare assistance so she can go at a minimal cost...this means more available money for me to use to pay bills down. i believe this is part of Gods plan to get me out of debt for good!! i can do all things thru christ who is within me!! i will get out of debt and i will continue to be blessed in more ways than i know!

feeling guilty for questioning His character

so i must confess...i have done something i never thought i would do. i questioned the character of God and His love for me. in a huge valley of weakness and panic, instead of turning to him and asking for his favor, i blamed him and questioned his existence. i feel like a jerk for this because i know it is always darkest before the dawn. i was in this darkest hour and couldnt see my hand in front of my face, let alone God standing beside me holding that hand. i questioned his love and protection. and i got a huge taste of humble pie. i was blessed beyond measure right after i made a huge butt of myself. i am pleading for his forgiveness and for him to place one hand on my shoulder and the other one over my mouth to slow my tongue enough for my brain to think before i question his favor for my life again. i was greatly blessed with a job at a church ran daycare and learning center. i am hoping this church can become a new home for me. there have been so many changes in the past month my head is still spinning. i cannot believe this is my life. and there is only God to thank for it. What if you only had today, what you thanked God for yesterday? i will be striving to live this mantra every single day! loves~

So much change in so little time

well...we got the house we wanted! i am so excited for this huge change to happen in 5 days! carpeted floors never appealed to me more than it does now. i hate not being able to lay on the floor and color with kimmy or just roll around and play. here on the current grocery store style crap floor we have now, it is too uncomfy to do anything.

another huge change that has happened in the last month is sawyer. we have a cute as can be new 13 week old kitten. she is such a cuddle bug and any time i am sitting down, she is sleeping beside me or on my chest. this is the type of cat i wanted since i was 5. she is the sweetest little thing. best kitty ever.

realizing what needs to change

well...crater lake was not only a short-lived job, it was a lacking adventure. i spent too much time away from my kiddo and too much time with my life on hold. there isnt enough money coming in for this to be a long-lasting engagement. i was so stressed and lonely i couldnt even sleep. i am so glad to be back home where i can have windows open without breathing cigarette smoke every five seconds. i will learn from this experience...but i will NEVER do this again. now it is time to move into a new house, get our new kitty Sawyer Jo, and live happily ever after. :)

...Making Lemonade

some times in my life...i complain about the hand i have been dealt. it always seems the worst thing ever to the person experiencing it. when i look at things other people are dealing with on a daily basis i really don't have it to bad. i am learning more and more everyday to make lemonade out of the lemons life gave me. i really am blessed... i have a healthy child, a roof over my head, food in my tummy, and a little money in the bank. statistics say, because i have these 4 things, i am richer than 75% of the people in the world. i consider myself very lucky to have been born in these gorgeous United States of America. i am coming to appreciate the life i was given. i am realizing that God only gave me this life because he knew i was strong enough to live it. knowing that God has the faith in my abilities is overwhelming and gratifying at the same time. knowing that i am loved more than i will ever know by someone that died to know me and my heart (Romans 3:8) is the best feeling in the world. i don't want to ever forget that God loves me and there is nothing i can do to change this. i can never disappoint him... everything in my life i want to live according to his plan for me...i hope i know what that is sometimes soon...

Thanks to Little Miss Momma, i have a new motto and i am using it to try to remember what is important. Thanks Ashley for sharing this!

taking time to work on me

this last week i have had a lot of down time. i am working in a place with limited cell service (which i needed a break from desperately), slow internet (like mailing a letter would be faster), and only one community tv... i have revolved my life around these three things way too much in the past and i am learning to live without them as much. i still need internet for college, but i know i will not be turning my cable back on when i go home. i am going to spend more time just playing with kimberly. i have ignored her so much i am ashamed to admit. she should be the center of my day, not tv, phone, or internet. i am looking at downgrading my phone to a simple just call or texting phone. it has cut into my interactions too much and i am tired of it. i know in these coming couple months i will get a crash course in what is really important in my life. and it is not technology... it is my daughter. i am taking this time to spend quietly with God and letting him heal my hurts and fix my flaws. i want to come out of this entire thing with a new attitude and being a better mommy. i am rereading "loving our kids on purpose" and will do so until it all sinks in. i want kimberly to know this was not all time wasted. it is time i needed to get things in order for her. i refuse to continue failing her.

a blessing away from home

i am truly blessed to have the opportunity to wake up to this view every morning for the next 2 months. there are few things that can pull my life away from kimmy for this long, but this view is almost worth it. i hate to be away from my wee one for so long, but as a momma...i have to make money to support her. i am learning a lot of new things and meeting a lot of new people. most the girls i have met live in Taiwan. they are so nice and sweet. it is a bitter sweet distraction from the fact i miss kimmy so much. every time i see a picture of her i want to cry. i got to talk to her this morning and almost started bawling. its a good thing i was in public or i would have. i want to go home and snuggle her, but i know i need to stay here and make some money. i try to watch the chipmunks and imagine what kimmy would think...i hope i am able to bring her here before the season is over. im going to bed now...

responsibilities of a single mom

as a single mom and the only parent kimberly has ever known...the responsibilities of putting food in her belly and a safe stable roof over her head falls all on my not-so-broad shoulders. this is something i have struggled with since she came into this world almost 3 years ago. i have not been able to find a stable job or had really any extras to spend on her. yes, she has new clothes and she is very well taken care of, but do to cash assistance from the state and food stamps. i write this with more embarrassment then i guess i should. i have been looking for a permanent job since she was 4 months old, with no long term results. something here and there then something fails and im right back where i started. in poverty. so when the chance arose for me to make some real money for a short time i jumped at it like a dog to a bone. only draw back: its out of town and kimberly cannot go with me. this kills me. i am so nervous that something will happen to me or her and i would never forgive myself for it. i am completely relying on my family to take care of her for 2 months so i can better our lives for a short time...and hopefully for the summer seasons to come. i am glad she is so young, she wont resent me for sending her to my sisters. but at the same time, i dont want her to think i am sending her away as a punishment. i am not the best mother in the world and anger gets the best of me sometimes. i want her to know i am doing this for her and to hopefully get my foot in the door of something great...but it feels like i am abandoning her at the minute. i have 2 days left with my baby...then i wont see her for almost 3 weeks...then its only on weekends i can afford to drive home or to my sisters. i really dont know what i would do without such a wonderful sister and brother in law. i hope this adventure is fun for both of us and we are able to grow from it and i am able to provide more adequately for her...at least for a short time. i hope i am not making a huge mistake in leaving her for such a long time. i hope she knows this is all for her.

working out...is finally working for me

monday august 8th i started my new program to lose weight and to get in shape and to train my body to not retain water anymore... i am doing fantastic. i went and worked out for the first time since starting this program and it was not miserable. i know exactly what i am supposed to be doing and i do not feel out of place anymore. i love that the recovery zone is so much more personable and not like i am wasting their time. and this of course comes because it is a christian owned company. i am ready to get back on track. this train is coming and nothing will stop it anymore. no more excuses!

family pictures...finally!

so the last time i actually had pictures done with miss KJ was when she was 5 days old... that was 972 days ago...yes almost 3 whole years. i promised myself i would get pictures done every year to have memories of how fast kimmy was growing...but life happens. and money gets tight. i have almost 3000 pictures of kimmy on my phone and saved to my computer, but those are ones i have taken of just her. or of us in the bathroom mirror haha. so i finally had them done yesterday. a good friend of mine, erika, has posted pics of her girls a lot on her blog, and i told her she could practice on me and kimmy any time. well thank god she took me up on the offer and we came out with some amazing shots. i am very thankful she is so wonderful!

thanks to little miss momma i am sporting a headband as much as possible this week! i love it! i need to get more of these. i really love the look and i am getting tons of compliments on it!

when my brain cant shut up

there are some times in my life i wish my brain had a mute button. or a power off switch. on nights like these where it just runs and runs and never slows down enough for me to get to sleep, i hate it. i just keep going over lists of things that i need to do in the coming week and things i need to remember to write down later so i do not forget...well my brain never lets me forget because it wont just be quiet! so here i am, up writing what my brain wont stop telling me.
~church tomorrow, dont forget moms coming over for lunch.
~keep packing slowly. we need to find a house with a fenced yard.
~dont forget to water the plants tomorrow.
(this stuff is all so random and nothing i can do anything about until at least tomorrow or monday...i hate my brain some nights!)
~pay rent and go get stuff for janelles baby shower gift.
its all just dumb...now maybe that i have wrote it down i can sleep.

miss mommy and LMM

Miss Mommy and Little Miss Momma are amazing ladies and mommies! they want to give away a ring from tiffany & co. i really hope they pick me. i have wanted to buy something from here for kimberly when shes old enough to graduate high school... i really hope they pick me!!

finding me in the pile of others

at the beginning of this year, i made a promise to myself, that i would find me in the pile of others that are not me. confusing promise? yeah, tell me about it. i wanted to find the person i wanted to be and change my habits so i could become a better mom, a more patient tempered mom, and overall a better version of the real me.
by taking a break from friends and boys and the rat race of drama that is the town i live in, i realized...some of these people are not who i thought they were and they are not who i want to be around anymore. maybe it is because i am a mom, i cant stand the partying, drinking crowd anymore. and don't get me wrong, i have no problem with drinking a few here and there or on special occasions and i am not preaching "don't drink ever." that is not what i am talking about. i am saying if your whole life revolves around wheres the next 18 pack of long necks are coming from, your life shouldn't be intertwined with mine anymore.
i get it, love is hard work...but it shouldn't be so hard that people are miserable. that isn't love that is just work. i have chosen to be on my own because i want to focus on getting my issues dealt with before i try to bring someone else into our lives. and this, is perfectly ok. i do not need someone else to be happy. i have myself to count on and i have the most important person in my life...kimmy. and that is all i need. i have come to find that people that need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend to feel happy and safe, are insecure and unhappy with themselves. i feel bad they cannot have the confidence to be their own person. just be you, that would be enough for me. :) but life doesn't always work like that i guess. people get older and so does their behaviors. i get tired of being friendly with these people and we grow farther apart. the distance between me and them is wedged with their insecurities, the things they think make them look cooler but don't, and other friends that do nothing but talk down about me.
i am getting to the point i do not want to be in this pile of people anymore. being one of the foundation bricks of the friendship is not working for me anymore when you've crumbled away. i am left standing in a pile of drunk "cool" kids... and finally i have the courage to walk out and never turn around again. people's feelings are going to be hurt, but they will get over it i am sure. they always do. not that i don't care, but i am tired of being the only responsible adult in these friendships. why can't they see with every action, they are cutting the ties that bind our friendship? how hard is it to just be a grown up and stop trying to be the cool girl in school. maybe our friendship was more important to me than it ever was to them...and that is sad to me... i no longer feel trapped in the pile. i'm stepping out. so this is my goodbye. i am sad to leave, but the good times we had will be with me forever. sorry they didn't mean the same to you.

no more poop.

approaching the age of 3, my dearest little girl... please do mommy 2 favors: first of all, stop growing up so fast, i cannot keep up. i feel like i am running behind the speeding train you're on and i can never catch it. and second...no more pooping in your pull-ups or undies. mommy is ready for you to be grown up enough to stop torturing me with poop. it is so much more rewarding as a mom to see that you have went in your cute purple tinkerbell potty. where is the line where i can keep you as my little baby girl forever and you not needing to wear a pull-up? please just tell me why you're not ready for this huge step yet.

april showers...bring may flowers

well here i am again, amongst huge changes on the horizon. possibly moving to a new place and to a good job... but who knows whats going to happen! i really hope things go the right way...the way god wants them.

facing hard self-truths

i have come to the realization that i still havent received my entire heart back from the grasp of first love. i mean that love that was so new and raw that unraveled completely way too fast... but i am finding that i know myself so much better for figuring this fact out. and no, its not the fact that i am still in love with this person, its the idea of what could have been. i loved the way he made me feel and the way he kissed me and made me feel like i was the prettiest girl in the world. the realization that he was not the person i thought he was broke my heart into tiny pieces. i have found and glued it back together and with time it has grown back together, but i really think that he gathered some of those tiny shards and tucked them away somewhere far away. i am working on filling those cracks with God's love and it is working. i know i dont need some man to make me feel whole. i am complete with God's love and guidance, and i know that having a man in my life would only add to my wholeness, not make me whole. i need to be my own person and secure with who i am before i take on the responsibility of someone else's feelings. this discovery on its own is major for me! i know people can tell me things all they want, but unless i know it to be true i will never take it seriously. having these last 6 months of single life has shown me all the accomplishments i can make on my own and given me some much needed self confidence boosters. i have figured out just what i want and need in a partner and what i will not put up with. i am no longer taking this as a joke or as hey just to pass the time... no, no sir. life is not really to be taken "dead serious" i believe life is for fun and taking chances, but not to be irresponsible. i have made a lot of bad choices in the past 5 years and i refuse to repeat them. i finally feel like i can breathe and rest easier now. i have the hang of college and am succeeding beautifully, i am working on my anger issues and am finding my stride at being a better mom to my daughter, and i am working hard on getting away from the drama and immaturity of this town. i know i have to leave this town to be completely happy. i feel too sheltered here, like i will not be able to soar amongst the stars because here, my wings are clipped and i am in a cage for everyone to poke and leer at. i feel my time in this town has come to an end and i need to really do it on my own. i need to get off assistance, get out of public housing and be my own security blanket. i am thankful for the programs that are in place for people like me that really need them for the time being, but i am no longer wanting to be that person. a lot of changes need to and will be changed in this next month. my financial slate should be cleared and wiped clean, i want to be out of k-hole, and i want to have a great steady job i love by the end of april. i realize this is drastic and short timed, but what other way than to just haul ass and get it done? ive known no other way than to set my mind to it and get it done. i am tired of sitting back and letting life happen. this is no longer the time for that! i am the only one that can really tell myself, "get off your ass, get it done, and move the hell onto bigger and better things!!" there is nothing really tying me to this place anymore. no job to report to, no guy wanting me here, my family is here, but they will always be here. i need to soar...and this is not the view i want from way up there.
so, i am setting goals:
no more crap food. im cleaning out my cabinets tomorrow 3/26.
working out everyday, no matter what the weather is! the gym is just down town.
when the weathers better, walking to the park and back with kimmy.
getting my weight to my goal weight and size (12) by kimberly's 3rd birthday 12/5/11.
no more yelling!
getting out of this place (k-hole) by end of April (pending the financial slate cleansing time line).

these do not seem unattainable in the least bit. but the only person that will or can hold me accountable is me. i need to be my own advocate. and for the first time in my life i KNOW i deserve to have everything i want. and the biggest thing i want for myself is to be healthy and around for my daughter. i will not be able to do that if i die early because im overweight. this stops tonight. i will do this and i will not fail. i will not allow set backs or road blocks... so heaven help the person or thing that stands in the way of my goals. you will not win... ill ruin the end of my story for you, i will have victory over the bad in my life. you will see me soar... and succeed with flying colors. just you wait.